The following post is not wedding related. This post is from my journal entry after the bar exam. I felt that it may be helpful to all the future bar examiners out there.
Well, I studied all summer for nothing. Seriously nothing. I studied, every single day, all summer for nothing. I feel disgusting and worthless and stupid and just dumb. Part of me wants to be sane and say "Well, you did everything you could and thats all you can ask for" or "everyone feels like they failed afterwards" or my favorite "statistically, most people passed". Well dammit, none of that helps me. I dont believe myself when I say it. It's funny because after the essays on Tuesday we were all at lunch saying "well at least it's multiple choice in the afternoon! Narrow it down to 2 and thats a 50/50 chance right there". Well ha! Florida multiple choice was such a crap shoot. I could have written the Kaplan book and still not have gotten one right. I actually started to get super upset in the middle of it because I wanted my money back. It was like someone giving me a picture of a woman and asking me to memorize everything about the picture all summer- and I do. And then on test day they ask me what color her bra strap was. Wha? I can't see her bra strap! No one knows that. I could have been that woman and not have known that. Seriously Florida bar examiners?! Seriously!!! I'm hoping the essays save me as far as Florida is concerned. I think I knocked the trusts essay out the park and thankfully I reviewed that bar poins book the day before or else I wouldn't have done as well as I probably did on the homestead tax question.
The MBE was worse than the Kaplan PMBR final. I didn't think that was possible. On the first Kaplan practice MBE I got a 126 raw. On the extra practice MBE I got a 129. But then I got a 99 on the final- when the average was 110. That was horrible, but the MBE was horribler- that's a word now by the way. I just made it up.
The first part wasn't so bad. I came out for lunch and questioned why some of my friends were in a daze and weren't talking to anyone. Like, it wasn't that bad. I would even call the first half fair. But the second half was the worst thing ever. I second guessed everything. I had more than enough time, which was good but I wasn't sure about any answer. I went back and forth on everything and I would be suprised if I even got 30 right on the 2nd half. Con Law, which was my best practice subject, was the worst. So if I can't rely on Con Law to help me out then I guess I failed.
I even cried in the hotel lobby walking out. People immediately started drinking and celebrating and I was just standing there crying. I've been so depressed the past 2 days. I never knew what depressed felt like, but spending all summer just to fail at something got me there. I swear, the bar exam has been like a horribly abusive relationship. I hate it but I need it so I'll keep going back I guess. It will keep playing mind games with me, but I already invested so much time and effort so I'll stick with it until it beats me again, and again, and again.
Ugh, At least Tampa is nice in February.
On a related note, here is a video to help you get through the bar. It's a great song and true too. All your feelings are normal!